Friday, August 22nd, 2003
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12:40 am - GOD DAMN!!!
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jesus, hahaha its been a pretty long ass time hasnt it folks...lol, i wonder if anyone is gonna read this now...prolly not lol, i also have a journal at Blurty.com i dunno enough HTML it make a link in here...but ill just give you a URL at some point...umm...since my last entry...ALOT OF SHIT HAS HAPPENED
hahaha im over jamie, her and steve went out broke up and now shes goin out wiht this other asshole lol i lost my virginity and then ended up not haveing that relatiosnhip work out as i had planned...but me and her are really good friends, she lives in Texas now and me, meg, will and nick plan on going down there this christmass vacation!! umm...im in a band...we just got our drummer and singer and tomorrow is our first FULL PRACTICE!!!! woot woot haha hmmm....i got kick outta high school...apparently they dont like it when u skip for an entire month...go figure...so now im workin on getting into night school to get me diploma...the reason i havetn graduated yet is cuz i ended up going blind haha...i have full sigh in one eye now and my right eye is totally gone...i cant wait till eye transplants become available...i wanna get a blue one haha...ill be nineteen soon...HOORAH! hmmmm...getting drunk is cool...ummmm im so lonly and i need a girlfriend...(not much has changed there haha) i work at this nursing home now as a dietary aid...go figure a fat kid as a dietary aid...i have a lot of cool people in my life now, like edd lee, and Drew...and i actually work with will and meg AND jamie and Lauren, and this kid mike(my bands new drummer) and this lady Janet...shes funny shit...its good stuf but ive been there for almost a year lol...i need out. i still cant type/spell for shit...and i never will as long as i have anything to say aobut it...the user that goes by the name Swampthing is a fucking prick and i wish for him a slow and painful death...hmmm....not too much for this post...ill go for now, ttys!
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Thursday, February 15th, 2001
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2:50 pm - well today was actually pretty not bad...
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well i wore my pther happy shirt like i said and i tried my best to be happy for her and it worked i actually got a complete snetence and ::GASP:: eye contact!!! This is good very good. and i think im going to patch things up with brenden sometime soon. im no longer mad at him. or at least i dont feel nearly as strong about the subject like i used to. so we shall see what happens. im gonna go now and i'll prolly write again tonite (but no promises). bye bye.
current mood:  cheerful
current music: Fine Young Canibals - She Drives Me Crazy
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Wednesday, February 14th, 2001
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5:54 pm - ba ba baba ba ba ba baba i wanna be sedated ba ba baba ba ba ba baba i wanna be sedated....
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well...today was...ummm....today was...not as bad as it could have been. i woke up this morning with a resolve to be happier today. not even remembering it was good ole valentines day(that didn't occur to me till i was listening to the radio in the car driven to school). well anyway i wasn't shaken by this only slightly un-nerved. i even wore my bright orange Chinese dragon camp shirt. which i only wear once a week on a good day. so a all signs pointed to i was in a good mood and not (josh=:(24/7) which Jamie so poignantly pointed out to me last night in an IM. i didn't expect things to go back to normal right away but i did at least hope she would talk to me today. and she did on a few occasions. now if she really wanted to i don't know. I'm pretty sure she is still upset over my falling apart. but I can only see this as a good thing...because this means she still has lots of feelings for me because my utter unraveling is really getting to her...not that it was a plan or something but at least i know she still cares. even of she wont talk to me really right now. tomorrow i will wear my other happy shirt and i will be as happy as i can muster for her. and hopefully i will get a complete sentence out of her...but that might be asking too much right now (a man can dream can't he???). well that's about it really. i encourage you to go to my friends journal...shes just starting out but it should get interesting...www.livejournal.com/users/d_va77/
current mood:  discontent
current music: Verticle Horizon - he's everything you want
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Tuesday, February 13th, 2001
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3:37 pm - well i think my life is slowly unraveling...
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ok well my life is just getting worse and worse...i hope this is like only a phase thing god is going though because im really not happy. ok so well after i found out that steve has been DOWN HER FUCKING PANTS!!! i decided i would get depressed...although its not really something i think about and then do it just happens when my entire world goes to shit. but to my shargrin i upset jamie with my attitude. she wasnt happy because i not happy anymore...WELL I FUCKING WONDER WHY YOU GOD DAMNED PSYCHO PATH! why on gods green earth would i be happy?????? the women i love is being fingered by one of my best friends...HMMMM DOES IT REALLY TAKE A DAMNED GENIOUS TO FIGURE THIS OUT??????? NO it doesn't, well anyway i was talking to jamie on the phone last night and i guess my deep seated depression upset her again and then she had to go do her homework. i said ok and g'night. then i dont know when exactly but after our convo she called steve and she was balling her eyes out(as steve put it) he said she was very upset with how i have been acting...which was evident today because all day she totally ignored me. on the bus she sat directly in front of me. and didnt even look at me. then when we got off the bus she didnt even wait for me like we usually do for our friends who r still not off the bus. but nope not today. and then in the cafeteria i sat in the normal seat and she looked right at me put her books down and said to lauren..."ok i gotta go to my locker" and there she went. well i got sick of being ignored so i left and went into my related which was unusually open that early in the morning. i sat down in my normal chair and read my book. a little while later she walked in and handed me something she had had since yesterday WHEN SHE WAS STILL TALKING TO ME! and left. and then later in the afternoon she came in and did her normal 20 minutes in shop with us because she was in intro to tech class which is a joke. and normally she comes over to me and says hi. but not today...now before people start getting the wrong idea about this i must tell you this is all my fault. not hers, shes acting like anyone close to me for this long would act. see i do this to people. i make them give up on me totally. jamie is getting there, steve i tihnk already has, and so are a few of my other friends.but it because of me not them. i will tell you i am not an easy person to like i make it so hard for people around me. and i dont want to i really dont. and IM SORRY IF MY FREEKIN DEPRESSION IS A FUCKING INCONVIENIENCE ON YOUR LIFE JAMIE, OR STEVE, OR ANYONEELSE its not like i schedual these things. i find it sooo hard to believe that jamie nor steve have any idea why im not happy. and if they truly don't then their ignorance is disgusting. maybe they just dont want to admit what they did and are doing is tearing me APART, but who cares anyway because if it the fact that they know what they are doing to me then they must not care about my feelings...jamie asked me last night what was bothering me so much, but there is no way in hell that i can tell her the root of my problems. it would disgist her to know someone like me...well anyway i will continue to be mad and angry and wish for them to break up on bad tewrms so they never talk again...but that will be on the inside, because on the outside i hafta act happy and pleased with life. so that i dont loose my friends and jamie in particular. i never ever meant to amke her cry not once. so from now on until something actually good happens in my life i will put on a mask that i will wear in public. its a happy mask. one with no signs of any emotion other then contentedness, and peace.
right now i want two things..one the garantee that neither steve of jamie read this because i think it would upset them greatly(thats a total understatement) and the other thing i want is for jamie and steve to read this because then they will truly know whats going on in my head and why im like i am right now. but that would prolly make things worse. so i dunno...whatever i gotta go. bye bye.
current mood:  pissed off
current music: Linkin Park - In the End
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Sunday, February 11th, 2001
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10:00 pm - wow ok now im upset...
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ok me and jamie have this mutual friend named lauren. and anyway apperentl she isnt as innocent as we thought...all i know is that jamie asked lauren "how many FINGERS" and then jamie was like im so surprised at her and im like why she has been going out with her boyfriend jon for like 4 months. and she goes yeah but i never though she would go that far i mean thats as far as i have gone and i have only been going out for two weeks...ok so now i need to like remember to breath and think straight...im so angry...frustrated and all these other things. thats means that her and steve in the span of ABOUT TWO FUCKIN WEEKS HAVE GOTTEN TO 3rd FUCKIN BASE!!!now im sorry but isnt that just a LOT TOO FAST?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? OH MY GOD...WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON HERE????...am i over-reacting???? or maybe i just misunderstood her...i hope to the dear lord i have. i cant stand to sit here and think of that...and to all your people out there who r thinking OH look at the poor poor jealous boy...well fuck yeah im jealous but that doesnt even begin to overshadow the other feeling of confussion and anger and all that other shit i have right now. ok well i cooled off now but im still extrememly upset and i just dont know anymore but im gonna go now so bye
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Saturday, February 10th, 2001
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12:09 pm - i don't know anymore!
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im talking to jamie as i write this and im listening to her stories of last night...she went to the valentines dance at school where she had a good time with scuba...and then after that she went to a wedding reception and she had a really good time there too WITH STEVE...im not upset that she had a good time with steve im only upset that i never seem to be involved with her life anymore. not that i was a whole lot before but i really want to be but it seems as usuall steve is the better choice. all i do and all i put up with i never seem too be good enough. for her or anything. why do i have to be so inadequate. maybe i am too fat or maybe its the fact that im pretty much the negation of normal i dunno but i hope its the latter. i know im fat and i trying very had to loose weight but as all overweight people know its about as hard as chinese algebra to lose any kind of weight...so i am trying and a few people have commented on how i am loking skinnier and thats makine so much of a difference for me. well anyway i just wish i was a part of her life...more then when i see her in school or at the mall...but then again i got to be thankful for what i do have with her because i wouldnt trade it for anytihng in the world. today we were tlaking a lil bit and she had some info that i wanted but she told me she wouldnt tell me so i said that i wouldnt talk to her for a very long time. and she said "i know you love me tooo much not to talk to me" what did she mean by that? i mean i know she didn't mean it how i wish she meant it, how i dream about it every day of my life, love, but i was just inexplicably happy to hear that she knows i love her way to much not to talk to her. even though i was silent for like 10 minutes it was hard becuase i do love her. i love her so much. her smile, her touch, her smell, her looks, her personality, her...i just love her totally and completely. I LOVE YOU JAMIE, I...LOve..you. i would have made a deal with the devil to have switched places with steve on friday...or last night. or any night he is with her. she told me once that she loves steve like i love her...not to be rude but sometimes i wonder. can onyone else at my age or even a lil younger know how i feel...i dunno if they do and they are lucky enough to get the object of their universe good for them...but if there are more like me out there u have my solace. this exsistance isnt fun. its down right brutal. but keep in there. i hold out hope that one day i will get her again. and in the end if its just a kiss it will all be worth it. all this pain and frustration and feelings in unimportance and invisibility will all be worth it. i love you jamie and i always will...till the end
current mood: upset but not in a bad way
current music: 98 degrees - invisible man
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Friday, February 9th, 2001
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2:56 pm - hey there
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well...this entry wont be all that long im a lil busy for once...but anyway im happy today because its friday and that means next week is shop week and then the week after that it FEBRUARY VACATION!!! which is awesome! and tonight is the valentines dance which im not going to but for some reason im still somewhat hyper from the idea of a dance
i know...im on major crack but thats ok i'll live
well thats really all there is for now i will post latre tonite maybe
current mood: happy
current music: Harvey Danger - flagpole sitta'
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Thursday, February 8th, 2001
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7:23 pm - OMG THATS IT!!!
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i'm have taken it for as long as i possibly can. i just kept trying to make myself be better company with jamie and steve but after today i just cant be with them both at the same time. i have had enough of this...i can be wiht jamie and steve seperatley no problem. but it seems to me that they have this thing where they can't not make out when i'm around...i dunno maybe its some sick thrill to know while they are getting mucho physical gratification they r making me SSSOOOOO VERY FUCKING UNCOMFORTABLE...ok so after i left you today afternoon steve had just showed up and as usuall everything was within normal acceptable peramiters. i mean yeah they were together but not like all over eachother! well then as time went by things got closer...now yes there were some good times and there deffinily some funny times and for the most part i had fun. at one point me and steve had to take a picture off the wall of steve thats like right next to her head when she would be sleeping and for some reason he didn't like it there. so we had fun with a lil play wrestling and it was great. but shortly after that things degenerated. well for me anyway. we were just chillin on her bed and like every five seconds jamie would play hit or accidently hit steve and he would just go like owie!! that hurt and play it up soo much and of course jamie felt bad for hurting her baby so she went on to kiss him and caress him...i didn't say anything of course because i didn't want to make a scene. but jesus...well this went on for a very long time, with him "accidently" hittin his head in the wall and oh yay jamie ot the rescue which is of course what he wanted. and then at one point somethign happened to get jamie into one of her uncontrollable laughing fits which if u have ever witnessed u know they are the greatest things in the world and they r very contagious. so there she is laughing really hard. and steve just puts his hand on her head and she leans down onto his crotch. just picture this please...jamies laughing and her face is in steves CROTCH! and of course he plays like thats not what his intentions were but please gimme a fuckin break. so then for the rest of the time she is either kissing him or her face is in or near his crotch...i mean she might as well have just started blowin him because it wasnt far off...well 3:45 came along and i got picked up. i was happy to leave but also sad...i was happy because i did not want to put up with that anymore but then i had to leave having at least a little fun with them...and i never really have any fun because my god forsakin parents never LET ME DO ANYTHING!!!!!!!!!!! so anyway...as far as i know steve had to be home before 5:00 so that meant they still had a while to do god knows what up in her room. and i know what she could do wiht a boy in her room because a long time ago in some ancient far away land i was one of those lucky enough to be LOVED by her. i mean i know she loves me but its not the same kinda love and to be honest with you, i am happy to have her love. just sometimes i wish i was respected as a person. but i guess i cant have my cake and eat it too...although thats a bad analogy because im fat. but whatever....so in conclusion i no longer will be with steve or jamie when they r together becuase i guess their love is just to powerful to stave for a few hours. and hell if thats the case im glad such love still exists. maybe someday i will get my shot at such things. ok well i have complained enough for tonight. bye bye.
p.s. if for some reason jamie does read this even though she told me she wasnt going to but just in case she does or steve does im not really that angry i just feel like im being ignored completely sometimes and thats not a happy feeling...
current mood: aggravated
current music: The Ramones - i wanna be sedated
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12:42 pm - it's been a while...
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sorry guys for keeping you in suspence if you even cared at all in the first place... i havent been writing in my journal because i just didnt want to...to say the least it has caused a lot of tensions between jamie steve and i. so i backed off from writing in it. even though jamie said she stoppedreqding mine i still thought that if i wrote it somehow they would find out about it. but now im no lnger hiding in the shadows of my fear. and im even writing this right in front of jamie...im at her house. it was a half day so it was decided by jamie that me and steve should come over her house to chiil...also the fact that her mom would be out of the house doing something to do with a wedding. so anyway i am sitting her and HEY cool steve just showed up on his bike. so now the gangs all here...this should prove to be interesting. damn they r loud...they r down stairs and i can hear them from here...wow...ok well here they come. they just entered the apartment. and steve is really out of breath...wow and he's one dirty man. im gonna stop writing now and see how long it takes them to realize what i'm typing... ok well it didmn't take that long. ok well now im bored and im gonna leave now. bye bye
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Sunday, February 4th, 2001
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3:16 pm - a little while ago in the utter boredom of my life i decided to write down some reason guys like girls...now these are just my view on the subject, you don't have to agree or disagree with them.
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Here are a few reasons that i adapted, why guys like girls...
1. She will always smell good even if its just shampoo.
2. The way her heads always find the right spot on your shoulder.
3. How cute she looks and sounds when she sleeps.
4. The ease in which she fits into your arms.
5. The way she kisses you, and all of a sudden everything is right in the world.
6. How cute she is when she eats.
7. The way she takes hours to get dressed but in the end makes it all worth while.
8. Because she is always warm even when its 30 degrees below outside.
9. The way she looks good no matter what she wears.
10. The way she fishes for compliments even though you both know that you think she's the most beautiful thing on this earth.
11. The way her hand always finds yours.
12. The way she smiles.
13. How cute she is when you argue.
14. The way she says "lets not fight anymore" even though you know that an hour later you will be arguing about something.
15. How you just can't find it in you to be angry or mad at her for very long.
16. The way she kisses you when you do something nice for her.
17. The way she kisses you when you say "I love you."
18. Actually ... just the way she kisses you...
19. The way she falls into your arms when she crys.
20. Then the way she apologizes for crying over something that silly.
21. The way she hits you and expects it to hurt.
22. Then the way she apologizes when it does hurt . (even though we don't admit it)!
23. The way she says "I miss you."
24. The way you miss them.
25. The way her tears make you want to change the world so that it doesn't hurt her anymore.....
Yet regardless if you love them, hate them, wish they would die or know that you would die without them ... it matters not. Because once in your life, whatever they were to the world, they become everything to you. When you look them in the eyes, traveling to the depths of their souls and you say a million things without trace of a sound, you know that your own life will be inevitably consumed within the rhythmic beatings of her very heart. We love them for a million reasons, No paper would do it justice. It is a thing not of the mind but of the heart.
so threre ya go...if you like please post a comment. bye bye for now...(has four more book journal entries to do for school tomorrow) YAY! lol ^_^
current mood:  blank
current music: korn - all in the family
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Saturday, February 3rd, 2001
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7:23 pm - today was just short of really fucking sucky
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omg! im begging to think that no matter how hard i or anyone else tries...the whole thing is doomed no matter what. im getting emotionaly tired, im getting mentaly tired, and lastl im getting physically tired. lemme start with friday evening. ok well as usuall it started out great after school my gramma picked us all up from school and we went to the mall. while there we picked up some edible underwear and thats it because thats all they had. so then after it took like two freekin hours to get those becasue me and steve were just not gonna go in there and purchase them, and jamie got mad at both of us because she had too. well anyway after that we dropped jamie off home momentarily so she could get her stuff ready and packed for that night. meanwhile me and scuba go and rent some movies and get some snacks. a half an hour later we pick p jamie and go get scubas stuff. after everyonw is done getting combobulated we get to my house. at this point its about 5:15 or so. so my gramma oders the pizza and everything is good and dandy. then we start the frst movie which was crue intentions. now i realize that this movie is supposed to get people in the mood but. well anyway we get to about half way into the movie and i can hear the wet noise two peoples mouths make when they r in a deep french kiss. now im sick. my stomach is throwing a fit. not in disgust but you know...and that went on till the end of the movie. at wich point i was dizzy with pain. my ear closest to them that did all the listening was burning and i just could take it anymore. now im not sure if they though i was deaf or somethign or that maybe i wouldnt mind, i guess they just forgot how much feeling is still involved or how im not deaf or blind. or maybe and this is prolly the right one...they just dont care how i feel anymore and if there is one way to show a person they dont care about your feeling at all anymore you french kiss the girl that he has had a past with right in fuckin front of him! but its ok because jamie wrote me a letter today saying that she was sorry so its all ok now...
so at that point i could not take it anymore so i put in a movie i had seen already that they hadnt and i "went to the bathroom" and just got a book sat down in the other room with the door closed and relaxed or i tried to anyway. see becasue my heart was giving out on me and my stomach was still getting cold all of a sudden for no reason. it just kept feeling like my stomach was falling really fast. i went to bed at 9:30 and they stayed up till 3:00 am doing god knows what. but that was yesterday. today wasnt so bad. we got up at about 6:30 am i was in a bad mood and i dont know how either one of them could even move. but anyway we got to school and it was very gey becasue why in the hell did we hafta go to frickin school on saturday?!? it was just retarded. anyway after school jamie's mom picked us up again so that they could get their stuff from my house because they were certainly not gonna bring it to school. then once every tihng was packed up again jamie was like i dont wanna go home. and steve is like me either. and i didnt wanna stay home either. so being the fast thinkiners we were (it took us like a half an hour) we decided to go bowling. and we did. and just as usuall in the begging it was great and fun. but then...everytime in the start when it was steves turn he would go up and stay up there till he bowled both times. but after a while he would bowl once and come right over and sit with jamie for a quick gropping session. and then everyitime it was her turn he would grope her again and after a while it was just one big public grope session with an annoying break for bwling in between. and i got tired of it fast im like damnit steve just fuckin bowl! of course i didnt say that but i was thinking it. on a couple of occassions i thought jamie was getting sick of steve touchy feely antics also but when i asked sahe just said no she wasnt. so as usuall it was just me. after a while i got tired of playing and i decided to be dropped formt he playiners list i got up and got a coke. i sat down and i drank it. every once and a while i would get a visit from jamie to either tell me something funny that happened or to bum a sip form my coke. but steve for some reason was gettinf upset. he wasnt bowling to his potential anymore like he wasnt even trying. and he just wasnt happy. now i just wanted to smack te kid. what didnt he have that he could want to make him happy? i mean he was with jamie and i tihnk no matter what if your going out wiht jamie u have the world and so should be unhappy like once or twice a month, but he was u happy and i didnt know why.
but then i figured it out. it was me me being there was bothering him or something or i dunno so i got up and went back to a table behind them figuring that if he didnt hafta see me he would think fof me being there. but i guess i wasnt gone enough becasue he only got a lil happier and that was with a lot fo work from jamie. so now im not ina good way, but im guessing now that im totally out of the picture he is doigngreat because they dropped me off first so its just him and jamie in the bakc of the mini van. and i hope he isnt sad because i want my friends to be happy. even if i feel like shit...and i do. but whatever its in the past. and im colder then hell in here so im gonan go turn up the heat brb.
ok back and edible undies r disgusting...wow thats just wrong.lol well anyway i have done enough bitch and complaining for tonihgt thanks for listening and as always jamie or steve please dont hate me.
current mood: cold
current music: Limp Bizkit - faith
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Thursday, February 1st, 2001
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4:16 pm - today was pretty ok
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actually today was even a lil great. but im having worries about this fri. i'm not worried that it can't happen because i know its going to. im just really worried that if it does then what. i mean i DO NOT want this to camoe back and bit eme in the ass in the end. i waont us to able to do this or something like it every friday becasue its fun. but i dont want to get hurt here. i know that jamie wouldn't ever do anytihng to hurt me emotionally but well lets face it some of the ingrediants for the night are kind of thought provoking. first of all we going to buy some flavored condoms. because we all or at least me and jamie have wondered what they tasted like. and then we r gonna get some edible panties to try them out. just for the hell of it. and then we r gonna watch a couple of movies and one of them is crual intentions. which if any of you have seen it its has somewhat of an arrousing after taste. and i can see now that scuba will prolly get annoying over one part and start yelling and pointing at me and he prolly wont stop after that. so if all goes as my overly pesimistic mind goes im gonna go to sleep not liking steve very much and seriously unable to sleep because of what they r probably doing. and its not like i blame them either becasue if i was going out with a knockout like jamie and we were sleeping over a friends hous and that friend wasnt even in the same room i think i would attempt something too. i mean im sure it would and will be a mutual tihng but i know i wont be able to sleep. and then we all gotta get up for school on saturday. they will be tired but very happy and giddy. i will be so tired and upset/angry. and i just DO NOT want that to happen. not to mention how difficult it will be for me to face steve the next day all day in shop. he'll be all smiles and i will be bayond depressed. and he'll be like so josh wassup and i'll be like fuck off man. and then things will suck again for a long time because me and him will start fighting and then jamie will get mad at us because we r mad at eachother and im not sure thats all worth one night of a few hours of fun on my account. so im trying to weigh the pros and cons here and the cons r winning. so unless i get some kind of reasurring call from jamie or a comment from someone who has been in my position im going to be going back and forth. a
current mood: calm
current music: Third Eye Blind - hows it gonna be
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Wednesday, January 31st, 2001
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2:57 pm - today was great
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im gonna start from like twenty minutes ago and go back just because the best part of my day happened only about 20 minutes ago. ok so i was on the bus sittin next to jamie and she was in her beyond crackhead mode...and i must say i love her when she gets like that. shes so happy and the slightest thing will set her off. well anyway she was sittin there and a couple of times she put her head in mu shoulder and just laughed. i swear to god i tihnk i fell more into it at that point. i could actually feel my heart sigh in content every time she would put her head on my shoulder. i was warm inside the i had to be the happiest man alive. i havent had any real physical contact with anyone since last summer. and now for some reason scuba is touching me on my shoulder and i know hes not gay or anytihng but like it just feels really odd. and before it wasnt even a problem. like he'd put his hand on my back and start shaking around for no reason and be like "oh joshus does that turn u on" in this really funny adam sandler like voice and i would be like "oh yeah baby do to me do it hard" in a gay voice and we would just joke around like that it was fun but not everytime he like goes for my shoulder i like back away like immediatly and if he keeps going i push him away and get all serious. and i dont knwo why. because its supposed to be funny and im all for funny! but i don't know . and then jamie puts her haed on my shoulder and im like so happy. i wished she would just leave her head there. i feel like im still there to her. like i still exsist as aperson in her world. but whatever...shes gonna read this so i better stop. but today i fell deeper into this world that is devouring me piece by piece. ok well i will stop now and i will post again tonight prolly to tell you about the rest of my day. bye bye.
current mood: tired/happy/content
current music: none
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Tuesday, January 30th, 2001
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9:50 pm - for no damn reason heres a stry i wrote...editors note ::every time i had to read the name boinky i laughed myself to tears NO LIE every single time::
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A STORY
By: Josh Nuttall
josh was a happy kid. a kid with nothing to loose and everything was just great. then one day he met a girl named jamie and she was the coolest. she had blonde hair and blue grey eyes that caught ones attention right off the bat. she was swell and josh thought the world of her. after a few days of knowing her they went out to get some lunch together and she began to tell him her life story. and to josh's totall surprise she was once a circus performer. a long time ago (2 weeks) she was walking the high wire and riding on big smelly elephants. josh was totally amazed at her story and asked her why she left. she told him that an old relationship had gone bad. she had been married to an abusive clown named boinky. and she just couldnt take it anymore. so she grabbed her pet trainned monkey and snuck away that night.
what could he say. josh was amazed. and because he was such a genuis when it came to things like this he knew that a story filled with danger and love and trainned monkeys would sell million of coppies if marketed right. so the next day josh brought her to his good friend and publisher scuba steve, who owns scuba publishing. his trademark symbol is this really cute little scuba mask with eyes and little feet and hands and its just so...anyway i told him all about her amazing tale and he too relized that with the right stuff this could be big. so he gave me the privailage to write her biography. down below is a snippet from the finished product.
The Life and Times of a Circus Girl
By: Josh Everet Glass Steven Ezmerelda Lucious damn this is a really long name Nuttall
At the tender age of only 2 minutes old, jamie "the amaging flippy girl" Coy was alienated form the world. She was forced to get by on her own. and as soon as all her bones and muscles finnaly developed she was on the road lookin for work. her first job was at the age of 1. She was a chimney sweep and she was a damn good chimney sweep too. she would rig herslef to some bunjee cords and bounce up and down the chimny wearing a big suit of scrubby brushes. but this only lasted until she couldn't fit into the shrinking chimneys of today. she got her left toe amputated during the great chimney dilema of '42 because of that very thing.
Then after the workmans comp finally ran out she was on the raod once again. this time she was lucky enough to wander into an ole truck stop were she became a waitress. while there she befriended a regular named dryfes. he would stop in every time he would go between memphis and africa in his 16 wheeler big rig. but one chilly below freezing afternoon in july bosco didnt stop in to get his regular ( a packet of sugar and a piece of toast). thats because john john had died. in fact he died right outside the door. it appears that he had a heart attack while pulling the door open and the lil jingly sound of the bells on the door sent him over the edge killing him immediatly. as can be assumed jamie was devastated. and everytime she heard the jingly bells she would break down crying. she just couldn't take it and sent in her two week notice at the end of that week.
then some time passed by and she doenst really remember it much because it was the 60's and 70's and well lets be honest folks who can honestly say we remember those crazy days!
after the purple haze wore off at the ripe old age of 14 she was walking through the town of east butfuk and she noticed that the circus was in town ( a great amount of detective work was done on her part to figure this out...ok she stepped in a pile of elephant crap but your not supposed to know that). she had never see the circus and she could really do with some cheering up. so she scrounged up as much money as she could as a test subject for some big deal scientists who did all kinds of evil and devious experiments to her. but that doesnt matter because she got the money (and somehow her toe back). the next day she went to the circus.
she was dumbfounded at what she saw. all the pretty lights and funny people dressed up in a lot of funny makeup. and thats when she saw him...boinky in all his magnificense. he even had one of those really big hankies and a flower the squirted water in the unsuspecting fools eye that went to smell it. he was a real class act. after the show she went to his trailer to tell him how much she liked him and how she had been a travelar all her life. and also that she would like to join the circus just so she could be with him. of course after being on the road for 20 years with the likes of jingles, bongo, and pedo "the too friendly to kids" monkey he was more then happy to have a girl that actually liked him to be on the raod with him. 3 years later they were married she dressed in her high wire tights and boinky wore the normal serious occasion attire for all clowns ( which is just like what they wear all the time only made from wrinkle free material). but, this match made in a sick and twisted heaven wouldnt last forever. it seemed that before boinky got married to jamie, boinky got married to the bottle...the seltzer water bottle. on many occasions jamie would come into their trailer after her act and see him there passed out on the couch burping and giggling and the empty bottle on the floor. when he would wake up he would be in a rage and go on about how the monkeys had stolen his underwear. jamie tried the best she could to console him but nothing would ever work. he would even go as far as to squirt her for no reason with his squirty flower. after 4 more years of this happening almost everyday jamie had just had enough. so one night she packed her clothes and took her trained pet monkey named hue, hue jass.
jamie was back on the road but now she had hue who would do intracate origami on the sidewalks of america to earn them enough money to get a bus to go as far east as they could. Her plan was easy, she would earn money here and there using hue until they got to Maunton, Tassachusetts( the actual name of this hole in the wall, of a city is being protected for its citizens sake). where she had relatives she hoped still lived there. but one day someting happened to hue. something horrible and mind wrenching. something so terrible i can't even think about it. but its my duty to let the public know jamie's full story so here goes...he got.........the hiccups. now, you laugh and to us sure the hiccups are no big deal but, to a monkey hiccups are very upsetting every time he would make that pitiful lil "hic" sound his whole body would jump into the air. this lasted for about 3 hours until he hicked his last cup. he was on the sink of the mens room at a sunoco station when he hiccuped really hard and it sent his little body flying into the air and down he went hitting his head on the side of the toilet bowl. hue jass died just seconds later of a fractured skull. ( please excuse this moment of silence for the poor lil guy). ok thats enough of that. well somehow jamie got enough money to get to home and it was only two weeks later that i Josh "insert a really long name here --->" Nuttall met jamie.
so there ya go. and that was only a little part of the book (ok so its the whole damned thing!). intersting huh? well i gotta go now i have a meeting with the CLA tonight (compulsive liars anonymous) bye!
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3:28 pm - today was pretty good
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i've had better of course like when i found out that clinton got caught with ole monika under his oval office desk or when i could be around scuba and jamie at the same time and i could say something a lil off color and not be worried that scuba would clock me. but those days are gone now. but today was pretty good. except when steve put cracker crumbs on my head and they went down my shirt but its ok because he got it too not from me but he got it and thats all that matters. but other then that it was pretty cool. ya know i'm thinking about really how much tihngs really have changed between me and scuba. and jamie IT ISN'T YOUR FAULT. no matter what they were going to chance if u went out with him and u were going to no matter what because you like him and he likes you and now your both happy so its all good. bu really i mean not to mention that whenever i am around both of them i feel that if i say something like jamie is cute today he would seriosuly say somethign like hey! watch it. and that just makes tihngs wierd. or like when we r in shop we could spen like have the frickin day just talking about girls we like and a few times we would talk about jamie. and now that just cant happen. i mean one time we talked about him and his ex and all the shit they did. and it was just normal guy talk. and i really liked those days but now it just isnt gonna happen. and like i said jamie this was inevitable. but whatever. it justs seems that there is this wall between us like an ivisible force field tihng that stuff just cant penetrate. i dunno. but it feels like we r trying really hard...and i wonder how long we can keep this going...but who knows mabe it will get easier as time goes by and then we wont have to try it will just be the way it is again. or then there is always the me possibility which is that its just me bieng fucked up in the head and im the only one who sees it this way. nut im not sure about the second one becasue now my and scuba seem to always be on the same lengthwave as far as a lot of things go mentally. so who knows. ok well im tired and i need another nap...i will prolly post again before the night is done but for now bye bye. (i would like to add that im no longer going to spellcheck my entries...its just too much of a pain in the ass...if ya cant figure out what something is then post a comment)
current mood: drained
current music: some band i dont know on the radio but its pretty good
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Monday, January 29th, 2001
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5:29 pm - ok well this has been a crappy day...
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today was...how shall I say...FUCKED UP with stress on the fucked part. I mean really the only reason I'm not suicidal right now is because its shop week...and that's a bad thing when that's the only thing keeping a man goin. for further explanation of what I mean I'm going to paste two convos I was just having
Joseph says:
...I think scuba hates me now
Joseph says:
think*
JAMIE Coy says:
what the fuck happened between you and scuba today?
JAMIE Coy says:
yeah like what happened?
Joseph says:
ok well he was acting gay and I was not really in the mood for it today because I have had a headache for like at least five days now non stop
Joseph says:
so hes saying all this gay stuff and I'm like ok scuba that's enough
Joseph says:
and I told him like 6 times to stop
JAMIE Coy says:
yeah...
Joseph says:
and he wouldn't
Joseph says:
so I'm like ok well if you say anything else I'm going to restart your computer
Joseph says:
and I meant it
Joseph says:
and I told him to save his work
Joseph says:
and he did
JAMIE Coy says:
what was he saying to you???????????
Joseph says:
and then he said something again and I'm like ok I told you
Joseph says:
and I hit the reboot button
Joseph says:
then when he got back on his name he looked for what he was doing and I guess it didn't save
Joseph says:
and so he called me an ass hole and a gay dick licker
JAMIE Coy says:
yeah well what was he saying to you???????????????????????????????????????
Joseph says:
and I didn't have to take that so I left and I didn't talk to him the rest of the day
Joseph says:
ok well he was saying like I need you josh
Joseph says:
I love your man meat
Joseph says:
and I'm like ok dude that's enough
Joseph says:
and hes just saying that over and over and some other stuff I don't even remember
Joseph says:
so I got sick of it
Joseph says:
I warned him
Joseph says:
but he didn't stop
Joseph says:
so I think he hates me now
Joseph says:
and he had to re-do his whole project again
JAMIE Coy says:
wow you too were fucked up today and I'm so mad at both of you right now its not even funny
JAMIE Coy says:
yeah I think he does to
Joseph says:
and he even had it finished before the end of the day so...
JAMIE Coy says:
it doesn't matter
Joseph says:
not to mention I said I was sorry
Joseph says:
but whatever
JAMIE Coy says:
that was so immature
JAMIE Coy says:
he said that you didn't say sorry
Joseph says:
but I did
Joseph says:
I know
Joseph says:
but I thought he saved it
Joseph says:
but yeah it was immature
JAMIE Coy says:
yeah it was
Joseph says:
and I'm sorry to you for making you loose faith in me
JAMIE Coy says:
I didn't but I tried so hard not to split you too up and then you go and do it yourself and that just really makes me angry you have no idea how mad
Joseph says:
look me and scuba are talking it over right this second
Joseph says:
and I think we are patching it over
JAMIE Coy says:
good
JAMIE Coy says:
so there
Joseph says:
ok then
JAMIE Coy says:
are you 2 talking now
Joseph says:
well I'm talking the most right this second
Joseph says:
but yeah we are
JAMIE Coy says:
ok
JAMIE Coy says:
tell me what happens
Joseph says:
when we are done talking I will copy and paste it into my next entry
JAMIE Coy says:
oh ok
Joseph says:
ok well we are good once again
JAMIE Coy says:
yippy slippy
Joseph says:
lol
JAMIE Coy says:
that makes me a lil happier
Joseph says:
ok I'm glad if you are
JAMIE Coy says:
yeah
and the second is with scuba !!! yay!
Scuba Steve says:
I hope you know that I ain't pissed at you for losing my work
Joseph says:
well you sure mad it seem that way
Scuba Steve says:
I'm pissed cause you didn't have the shit to come over and apologize for it
Joseph says:
what are you talking about
Joseph says:
I said I was sorry like twice
Scuba Steve says:
I didn't here shit from you
Joseph says:
I was wow oops I thought you saved it dude I'm sorry
Joseph says:
well I did
Scuba Steve says:
all I heard was calm down dude calm down
Joseph says:
well yeah I did say that
Joseph says:
but I also said sorry at lest twice
Scuba Steve says:
I didn't hear sorry at all
Joseph says:
well you might not have heard it but I know for a fact I said it
Scuba Steve says:
for some reason you got mad at me
Scuba Steve says:
*at
Joseph says:
I wasn't mad
Joseph says:
I mean I was not in the position to get mad
Scuba Steve says:
it was like you got mad at me for getting upset
Joseph says:
naw man
Joseph says:
its not like that
Joseph says:
I sounded like it but I wasn't mad at you I was mad at myself
Joseph says:
for being immature and an ass hole
Scuba Steve says:
well then why didn't you come over and see what was happening
Scuba Steve says:
you like ignored me for the rest of the day
Joseph says:
because I needed to get mine done
Joseph says:
and I still didn't
Joseph says:
I worked form as soon as I left to like 2 minutes to the bell
Joseph says:
and you were mad at me so I figured ya didn't want to talk
Joseph says:
I knew I would have made things worse with my big mouth
Joseph says:
so I steered clear of you so at least then there would be some way to reconcile later one
Joseph says:
on*
Joseph says:
because I'm really bull headed and strong will when it comes to arguments
Joseph says:
even when I have no idea what I'm talking about
Joseph says:
so...
Scuba Steve says:
I just know that if it was me I would have tried to at least help the guy
Scuba Steve says:
but whatever it's in the past
Joseph says:
well I just assumed that U didn't want me near you or the computer U were working on
Joseph says:
yeah exactly
Joseph says:
so we cool again|?
Scuba Steve says:
why not
Joseph says:
cuz I fucked it up once...
Scuba Steve says:
???
Joseph says:
I mean not that I would have done it again but
Joseph says:
well I'm sure you get what I'm trying to say
Scuba Steve says:
yea
Scuba Steve says:
we cool
Joseph says:
ok good
Joseph says:
I'm glad
Scuba Steve says:
yea
Scuba Steve says:
but I'm still having a shitty day
Joseph says:
yeah same here
Joseph says:
I have this headache that's been with me for 6 days straight
Joseph says:
non stop
Joseph says:
and I'm so cranky as I'm sure you can tell
Joseph says:
lol
Scuba Steve says:
just a bit noticeable
Scuba Steve says:
lol
Joseph says:
hahaha
Joseph says:
yeah
Scuba Steve says:
haha
so there ya go that's basically my day. ::side note:: (no my name isn't Joseph it is josh but I had already had a name for msn and I guess you can only have one so I had to chance all my info around so that I could get another one)
also, I'd like to bring up something I'm not sure about. there is a freshman in my high school who was in community health and for freshman that means taking care of lil kids in a pre-school setting. well one day his child went to the teacher and told her that he smelled really bad. the teacher proceeded to send him to the guidance office where the guidance counselor told him to just take regular showers. now as you can imagine its pretty bad to hear from a lil kid and a guidance teacher that you smell. and then broke into tears and swore to sue the teacher who sent him to the office. now today I was sitting on the bus just one sit in front of him and I over heard a convo with an (I think) obnoxious girl (also a freshman) asked him why he was suing the teacher and he said something like because it wasn't any of their business. now my question is this...1.) is it or is it not the schools business 2.) was it right of some Joe Schmo to go telling everyone in school about what happened and 3.) do you think he has the right to sue anybody in this case so please post as many comments as you wont referring to his because I'm interested in what you think. and I think that's that. bye bye.
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Sunday, January 28th, 2001
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9:14 pm - well I just woke up and I'm feeling refreshed!
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lol everyday when I get home I sit in my nice black full length computer chair and at one point in the day I fall into a deep restful sleep. I love this chair!. well anyway that's enough of me and the chair. Tonight Jamie and scuba went to the movies. I'm glad they finally get some time to spend ALONE together its good for them. I have to admit I really envy Steve. I haven't been to the movies with Jamie for the longest time and I really miss it. it was so much fun. the best thing was for some reason as soon as the movie starts I get really cold like teethe chattering shivering cold and I would put my arm around Jamie and I would get warm. but every once and a while I would shiver and from my wrist down my hand would vibrate and we would get a laugh out of that. god I miss her. she's so sweet. and she has the warmest hands like all of the time. and she would put her hands on my arm and it would be so warm and nice. one of these days me and her will have to go to the movies again. but I don't think I would be allowed to put my arm around her though(isn't that only for boyfriends). I don't know. but I do envy Steve tonight. he will get to sit next to her and scoot as close to her as possible so that they might as well be in one big seat and not two. and he will put his arm around her and they will watch the movie and laugh or cry or whatever and they will bond. and that's the whole point. to get closer to the person you are with. it doesn't matter if its your mom and dad or your best friend or your boyfriend of girlfriend. you bond. it might not be the most meaningful thing in a relationship but it does count towards the entire experience. and when I say relationship I don't mean with two people dating but ANY kind of thing where two or more people interact. and then there is a totally different aspect of the movie experience. the kiss. it can be a light peck on the cheek or a full on french kiss. either one can be great as long as its appropriate. its a great experience either way. you sit there next to her. your both looking at the movie and you feel its time to make things a little more interesting so you look at her and she looks at you and at first things are a little awkward. but then you move your head in closer to hers and slightly tilt your head. and as soon as your lips connect you feel a twinge of electricity which is exciting. you both part your lips and you run your tongue up and down her lips and then you feel her tongue and it has to be the greatest feeling in the world. especially if its your first time. she sticks her tongue into your mouth and you suck on it a little and vice versa. its an all around wonderful life enhancing experience. as you sit there lip locked you could stay that way all night but form somewhere inside you know it can't. and as if by telekinesis. you both draw apart from each other and look into one anothers eyes and smile a big contented smile. now if you haven't gotten to that point in that kind of relationship a more subtle but still as meaningful kiss is in order.
your both sitting there watching the movie with your arm around her and when there is a break in the action you quickly quietly lean over and kiss her cheek. your lips press against her warm soft flesh and your close enough to get her total scent and you inhale and relish it. and all of this is in a split second and you pull back to see her smiling at you and you smile back and scoot closer to her. I personally like both of these equally because if your dating someone you really like you can convey the same meaning in either type of kiss. theres is one more aspect of the movies experience with a boyfriend or girlfriend that I really like. and that is resting your head in her shoulder or her resting her head on your shoulder. it doesn't carry any kind of message accept that of trust and comfort with the other person. and I think that's wonderful. so I don't know which of these Steve and Jamie are doing to right this second but either way I envy him like a prisoner envies a bird flying free up into the sky. and I hope they are having fun
current mood: envious
current music: American Hi-Fi - flavor of the week
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Friday, January 26th, 2001
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4:09 pm - it was a great day
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well I don't know about GREAT but it was a better day then the rest of this week. today was the last day of W. H. and it was great because we didn't have a teacher for like one half of the two period block which was awesome. this kid named nick, who will do anything if provoked enough, through a fake seizure on the floor right in front of the sub. it was so funny.not that seizures are funny because they are not...I have a friend of mine who has epilepsy so I try not to joke about it. but this kid is funny. and for just about every period Jamie would come by and stand out side the door and wave at me and I would wave back and let me tell you that made my frickin day. and then in related I walked around the school with my friend Stacey who is so cool. shes getting plugs in her ears!!! and I just got back from dropping off a CD that I borrowed form Jamie like a month ago...ok well I really wouldn't call it borrowing but it just got left in my boom box so... and then she locked herself out of the house and so when I got there she was really cold and she was leaning in the drivers seat window where I was and then she looked at me and she is so beautiful. I had the biggest urge to kiss her. but I know I cant. I'm pretty sure the reasons are one I think she would hate me after because she doesn't like me. and two because she is going out with scuba Steve and that's just wrong for another guy to kiss a girl whose going out with one of your best friends....but I wanted to...I really did. I could smell her and I think she smells so good like all of the time. and I just love every lil thing about her. but that's enough of my ranting and raving about her. not that I want to mind you I could do that all day but if she reads this she will think I'm a big enough retard as it is now. so I'm done. well anyway I was really hyper today near the end of school and it was awesome. I even did my happy clappy thingy like 5 times today and you KNOW I'm in a good mood if I even do it once so. but yeah today was a good day. I just wish there was more like em. and I gtg I might write again tonight. bye!
current mood: cheerful
current music: KoRn - freak on a leash
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(comment on this)
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Thursday, January 25th, 2001
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9:02 pm - today was pretty good but it had its moments...
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hi! I'm a lil better today then I was yesterday...I didn't write yesterday because something was wrong with the server I think because it wouldn't let me connect. but anyway this is how my day went. I woke up at about 6:30 A.M. and I gotta be out for the bust by 6:45 so luckily I had taken a shower last night because I really would have been late. but anyway so I rushed through my morning. then I got to school and it was pretty cool till Steve got there and I noticed how he went right to Jamie, now I can understand that because they are going out now but like I am still his friend but like he didn't even say hi to me till like 5 minutes later so I was kinda mad about that. classes were shitty as usual but I didn't get any homework so its ok. we watched a movie in English and in world history so it was cool. but I really didn't watch much of the movie in world history because the door was open and I could see into the room across the hall and I was communicating with a my ex shellie. we are still friends and stuff but now. it seems all of a sudden she likes me again and I don't know how to react. because when we were going out all she would talk about was this boy named Joey who she really liked. and after a while I got really ticked but as usual I didn't say anything about it. and eventually we broke up (actually she dumped me but I don't like to face the sad truth) so anyway not even a week later she was going out with Joey which is who she wanted. so I figured she was happy. and after a while we stopped taking all together. and then at our last school dance she came up to me and asked for a dance. Jim like "ok" and I'm so confused. and then she just starts opening up to me telling me how Joey is really controlling and stuff and how she never stopped liking me and stuff. and so like a lil while after she came over and just before she had to go I kissed her. I didn't know what I was doing really but I did it. and now I think I like her and I wouldn't mind trying it again. but I dunno, I have been hurt a lot when it comes to love. well anyway I was sitting in W. H. and like sticking my tongue out at her and stupid stuff like that. and so she called me tonight which has become the norm again. and we were talking and she asked me to get some porn for her. which wasn't really shocking to me because we looked at it together before. so anyway I'm on the phone with her and looking at porn. and she could tell I was getting horny. and shes like so what's up josh and I'm like oh nothing I'm just really horny right now and she like oh really. and then we get into a really dirty conversation and then I started jerking off like an idiot. and just before she had to go stuff happened if ya catch my drift. she didn't know I was doing that so its ok I guess but I don't know what's going on anymore. I just wish I was more of what Jamie was looking for in a guy because then I would be back with her and I would the happiest man alive. but oh well. I cant think of anything really else to say at this point so bye
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Tuesday, January 23rd, 2001
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9:24 pm - FINALLY!!!
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thank god. he finally asked her out. now all I gotta do is wait...I hope god doesn't see my as evil or something but what else can I say? I need her like I need air. this is how I see it at the moment she doesn't like me like I like her so what I will do is just wait on the sidelines. I will not get in the way of any of her future relationships or anything like that and when she need me for anything I will be there for her. and I will wait till either the day she feels for me again or till she gets married at which time I will shoot myself. now that might be harsh or even insane but its the only thing I can do now. sure I will go on with my life and go out with other girls and I will respect them and I might even like them but my heart will ALWAYS be with Jamie. me and her and her now boyfriend had this big discussion yesterday...basically it was this, when they go out its gonna get weird for me to like sit there and watch them hugging and kissing and such and I let them know that and they agreed with me. my first idea was to just not be around when they were together. at all. but for some reason they want me around more then that. so now I'm only gonna leave just before homeroom bell so that they can do their thing. but I don't know how that's gonna work either. because what you hafta understand is that I love her so incredibly much and if I have to sit there and just watch them talk and flirt its gonna hurt me. I wish I could be what she wants in a man. but I'm not and it burns me everyday to see her look at him and sigh and then look at me and smile. I want to be the one she sighs about. but what can I do???? WHAT CAN I DOOOOOOOO. I'll tell you what I can do...N.O.T.H.I.N.G. nothing at all. all I can do is wait and hope. and that's what I will do. for now...
current mood: aggravated
current music: shaggy - angel
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seniordiablo's journal